25 September 2015

Back to the gymnasium.....

Had a great training session tonight with Justin, was awesome to be back in the gym and we did a quick little circuit which consisted of upright rows with a kettlebell, pushups  (am on my knees ugh), squat press with kettlebell, plank holds (hello pain & weak core), i enjoyed it so much and I didn't beat myself up as i know my strength and fitness has reduced as I haven't trained this year (walking and yoga only). I am not going to lie it hurt like a mofo, I am hoping muscle memory kicks in quickly and this is the first time in over 15 years I haven't been fit!!
So super proud for pushing myself as I didn't feel up to going, tired day at work & winter has returned to Sydney so it is cold, wet and effing miserable. But I wanted to train, wanted to see my best mate Justin as I feel we don't see each other as much anymore as i stopped going to the gym & we love training. So glad I put my big girl undies on and just fucking did it. Session complete!!

19 September 2015

Time to get inked.....

19th Sept

Drew and I have wanted to get tattoed together since we first met and today is the day we get inked. We are getting two tattoos that mean alot to us. We found each other and are looking forward to sharing this together with a d&d tattoo and another tattoo for our angels lost this year. Poppyseed in February and Bob/MJ in August.

Sitting waiting for Garth at Lighthouse to set up I felt so sick, excited and nervous - could I handle the pain? The losses we have experienced this year have been so painful that I promised myself that the next hour and a bit when it got ouchy that I would dedicate this ink to the man I love with all my heart, who has been there with ne through thick and thin and the two angel babies who didn't make it into the world. It just felt right.

So the ink is done and it certainly didn't tickle. Took just over an hour and only had a few moments where it was pinching like a motherf*cker. I didn't mind the process and was so excited to see the finished masterpiece and then watch Drew get his gorgeous feathers for the babies and our entwined D&D. 

What an amazing spiritual and meaningful experience to share together.

I have so much hope that soon we will need to book another appt for a tattoo to celebrate our mini Jones who will safely make it to us.

14 September 2015

Week 37 #fmsphotoday

Week 37 of my photo-a-day challenge is dedicated to my little poppyseed. Last week was Poppyseed's due date to come into the world but unfortunately wasn't his or her time and she is an angel with nanna & pop.
Being an challenging week emotionally I tried to get a little creative but decided what will be, will be.
7th Sunlight
Monday morning the sun was shining bright and I knew that it was going to be a glorious day as the sunshine makes me feel great, even on a Monday. I feel so grateful today for so many things.
8th Help
Help me to NOT eat these sugary delights. Am doing sugar free September and these lollies sitting in a reception area as I waited for an appt I swear could hear them speak to me! Strong I was and I didn't need any help to stop me scoffing them all!
9th I hear
Walking through Martin Place i love hearing the clock chime. It is always a moment I take to stop and feel grateful for being alive, happy & loved. So lucky to be living in a great city and having a great life even with all the unfairness,  death and destruction in the world.
10th I see
After the gym I walked back to work feeling so accomplished and healthier after my first gym session back after four months. I love QVB and decided to walk through. There were a couple young girls taking photos and I wondered what they could see. I have never seen this angle before. I never looked up. So bright and beautiful.
11th I taste
Waiting for a lunch date this coffee kept me company and tasted divine. So rich and creamy with a gorgeously divine coffee taste which made my taste buds sing and dance.
12th Opposite
They really have changed the feel of this area on Broadway from UTS ugly building to apartments with plants & greenery all over. Looks amazing. Opposite to the UTS building. Gorgeous change.
13th WOW
I am just in love with this bright gorgeously stunning printed clutch! A gorgeous gift from the lovely Saskia all the way from Burma. Truly a wow gift!! so thoughtful and stunning. WOW!

10 September 2015

R U Ok?

Sometimes asking someone if they are ok can be hard, especially if you aren't prepared for their answer.  R U Ok day is a great initiative to get people starting conversations with others and asking people if they are ok.  I think the day now has a stigma attached to it because many people are NOT ok and probably don't answer honestly if asked. 
Stop and think before you ask someone if they are ok today - are you asking in a way that makes you feel better for asking or are you REALLY prepared if they do indeed tell you that things are in fact not ok.  Do you have the right answers ready for any problems or issues they may be having?  Do you know where to direct them if you think they need further help and assistance?
If you are someone that is NOT ok today I urge you to talk to someone you trust about how you are feeling or do something that will make you feel a little better. You do have options and you can get help and there is nothing wrong with admitting you aren't feeling yourself.
I am having a rough day today and am meeting a friend for dumplings.  I know that will make me feel ok, I can have a little chat and then feel better for getting the worries off my chest. I still will feel not ok but that is fine and I will feel better for having put it out there.
Never think that you are burdening someone if they do ask you if you are ok. Maybe ask yourself if you are OK?  What would you honestly answer if someone asked?
Sometimes the conversations that you need to have are too big for friends to deal with.  You can always talk to them about contacting a helpline so you have some support.

9 September 2015

Jonesfit challenge

Plodding along slowly but surely on the #jonesfit challenge. I know it is going to be a slow but steady challenge and I am happy to be the hare and not the tortoise  (finally learning the art of patience & know that crash diets and sticking ones head in the sand and ignoring issues doesn't achieve as much as making slow and steady changes towards healthy living does).

I am feeling excited about getting my body & mind back into a healthier place. More yin (heart) and less yang (head).  The thing about the body is it has a great memory - so am hoping it catches on soon and knows what to do.

I am enjoying the September challenges and I have to admit for the first time ever in my life I don't feel super overwelmed with the goals I have set or challenges I face. I am learning I think - and learning the effing hard way that is for sure. Hope this dosen't mean I am growing up!!!

Learning more about myself as I tackle these challenges makes me believe that I am capable of so much more than I thought. I have a strange "no fear" mentality at the moment. I suppose reaching rock bottom emotionally and physically after two missed miscarriages will do that to a gal.

The one thing I did learn from those counselling sessions earlier in the year after miscarriage 1 was all about triggers and how to react (if any) to them. This was a powerful shift for me mentally and I truly  believe helped me get through this emotional time with teaching me some valuable lifelong tools.

Triggers can be fuckers. They can remind you that sometimes you might not be dealing with a situation or issue and can affect your mood in an instant.

Remembering that I am in charge helps this and I can choose how I react to a certain trigger. It is ok to have shit to deal with. I know I will always remember my two angels and somedays I will have trouble dealing with certain triggers like friends and people I know having babies around the times that I was due or hearing a newborn baby cry. I can ask myself how I am feeling and do I really need to "react" right now or am I ok. Whatever I decide is ok.

Day 8 into September and I feel that things are moving in the right direction - forwards and that is exactly where i need to be, right now.



7 September 2015

The week has finally come....

Going back to January this year, one of the exciting things was the count down to our Poppyseed's due date with Instagram  #fmsphotoaday challenge.  I thought it would be a cool way to keep count of the weeks as they progressed in the pregnancy (because who can keep up really?).  As I was two weeks in front of the start date in January,  every week I knew exactly how far along I was and thought it was "cute" that I had my favourite photography challenge as a reminder. 
Unfortunately this only lasted up until Week 9 of the challenge (when I had a day visit to the hospital, I should of been 11 weeks).  I used a picture of me for one of the prompts that week - even though it was probably the saddest day I wanted to remember the week that it was and made sure I captured the prompts for that week.
Week 9 of the photo challenge - second day prompt was 12 noon.  I was sitting in my gown waiting to be taken into surgery. Reflecting now I am so glad I took this picture.  The rest of that week involved some happy pictures to reflect back on: sunflowers, Friday espresso martinis at the Newie, Saturday pizza and farewell drinks for Ruth & Rob on the Sunday.  I remember it felt so surreal to be out drinking with some lovely people and I felt so confused to how I should be feeling. Talking to people was so hard because my mind kept reminding me that I wasn't pregnant anymore.  I still drove that day as I didn't want to drink too much (wine and emotions mixed together = crazy). I had spent the morning with some friends for brunch and drove to Coogee in the early afternoon just as the hail storm happened (February 2015).  I sat in the car for 15mins whilst the rain bucketed down and my tears reflected the rain pelting on the windows outside. Should I go inside? So glad I did.
So now it is Week 37 of the #fmsphotoaday 2015 challenge. Which is really Week 39 - Poppyseed's due date week. Due date Friday 11 September 2015.  I know they never come on this date but to me it is our due date because I will never know what date Poppyseed would of been born on,  our little Virgo angel.
It has finally arrived. Of course I tried not to think of the challenge this way after we lost PS, but it was already installed in my grey matter. Every time I would see the week number I would add two weeks on in my head.  I have managed to complete most of the weeks except a couple around the time of our second miscarriage in August. It just got all too hard to be super positive and thinking about prompts when our heart was breaking for the second time this year.
So this week I am going to use the prompts to make it a week dedicated to our little Poppyseed.  Starting the day after Father's Day,  which truly was a hard day to deal with for Drew and I, but I think it will be a nice little way to remember and process this hard week that we would of been due. I had a fleeting thought way back in January that Poppyseed could be born in time for Fathers day, yesterday was a tough day. I so wanted my Dad to be a Poppy and it just all was emotional. Lots of wonderful posts on Facebook all day was hard on me and I know for so many others (from lost children, to dads not being around anymore). Normally I just felt sad that I didn't get to see my Dad (he lives in Perth). But had a great chat to him on the phone and talked about what seafood to eat at Christmas when we head to Perth. Simple things to focus on that made me smile.
So this week's photo-a-day theme is 'Poppyseed' week. In all honesty I hadn't really thought much about what happens after this week, I had assumed I would be taking lots of pictures of our new baby boy or girl and inundating people on social media with those with cute hashtags.  I will have to come up with some positive themes for the next couple of weeks for this challenge to keep the momentum going. 

2 September 2015

Day 1 of Steptember

Looking at the positives of today, Day One of the Steptember challenge. Even though I am home sick with a chest infection (with a sexy cough to boot I might add) I have still manged to get some steps in on the dawdle walk to the chemist and back (about 2658 steps) #winner - the walk totally knackered me but am feeling good for having done it. Prescription in hand and back to the couch I go. #jonesfit