18 March 2015

Our little poppyseed......

This blog was a great inspiration for me to publish my post. The words really sum up how I have been feeling the last month or so, so thank you @catmarytomlinson thank you so much!
March 2015 - We started the New Year with the exciting news that we were pregnant.  I found out on the 6th January (my pop's birthday) and it truly was the most amazing news ever.  Drew and I were so excited to learn we were going to have a child together, we were so happy and totally freaking out at the same time.  Unfortunately for us the pregnancy wasn't successful and we lost our baby in February 2015.  This is a post that I have written to get my thoughts and emotions out of my head, heart and somewhere I can read back and reflect. 
My body, my mind and heart are at odds. My heart is holding on to our baby that we both loved instantly, my mind is on overdrive wondering why us, what if, but my body has already forgotten the life it held for only a short time. I constantly tell myself that getting pregnant again won't bring back the baby we lost nor replace those first few moments after you find out you are pregnant, the joy, the smiles, the tears, fear and excitement.  You know that it is still early days but you start talking about due dates, names, should we find out if our baby is a boy or a girl?! You pinch yourself, are we really pregnant and going to have a mini person to love & cherish?!
The changes your body starts to go through and the smile that appears on your face when walking down the street and you suddenly remember you are going to be a mum, that this little person is going to need you and he or she is growing inside you. You start to feel twinges and hope they are normal growing twinges. You already feel so much love and it consumes your  thoughts.
You start worrying about what food to eat, gosh I will miss wine, sashimi and soft cheese,  poached eggs & worry about eating undercooked chicken. There are so many baby apps which tells you every little change that is happening in your body and how your baby is growing and you wonder how this can all happen inside YOUR body,  you have always been careful to not get pregnant and missing your period was a stressful time. ... now it meant happy & changing times. Every morning your phone tells you what to expect this week with the pregnancy and how your baby is growing inside you.  That baby is the size of a blueberry...it has only been a few weeks but feels like forever. You plan the 12 week date to tell people even though you were so super excited you had told a few friends and family already.
Excited for the first scan to show exactly how far along you are........a date scan.  You drink so much water that you need to pee so bad and them pressing on your tummy doesn't help. .. but you think "I don't care I am about to see our baby". So excited,  nervous and then confused when the sonographer asks you to empty your bladder so she can do an internal as she cannot see anything. Part of you is happy to pee, the other half is scared shitless. The internal shows nothing either. It could  be too early they say, you could be earlier than first worked out. You think this definitely is the answer, it has to be.  I walk out of there scared and feeling sick.

Then things change. Scans, dates and blood work don't match. You feel sick & nervous as in the back of your mind since you found out you were expecting you hoped that you would make it to the safe 12 weeks stage, 12 weeks really is a LONG time. You know the stats for first pregnancy ending in miscarriage and you pray that you won't be that 1 in 4.
Our GP was away and I had to make another appt with a new doctor at our clinic.  Meeting a new doctor I find quite daunting normally, let alone when things are up in the air with your first pregnancy,  at 40. The new doc, Dr Fiona, is from Belfast, her familar accent eases your mind and you can be yourself and voice your concerns. The only thing is she also has the same concerns. Things don't add up. Scans should be showing more and the hormone levels are high and doubling. She is confused and strangely I take comfort knowing I am in great hands even if things do go pear shaped.
Lovely Dr Fiona makes me an appointment at the Sydney Ultrasound clinic for women. It won't be cheap she says and medicare only cover a small part. I felt like I just wanted to know if this pregnancy was progressing asap. I found it hard to deal with the fact this might not be our chance to have a baby and it scared me. I have never been this vulnerable and out of control with my body and mind. Why?
The excruciating wait again with a full bladder was harder this time. My gut was telling me that the news wouldn't be good. Was i just scared and preparing for the worst news only to come out with good news and pictures of our little poppyseed? I remember thinking we must be having a girl and she is putting us through hell already. I wondered why I told Drew I could do this appt on my own. There was no superwoman, tough Donna cape in sight. Fuck.
This time I was in much better hands than the bulk billed place I had been a week prior. As she put the cold gel on my tummy part of me thought "here we go, time to see our little poppyseed" even though I knew somehow something was not right. She scanned and then stopped and said she needed to do an internal to see what was really happening. This time I wasn't even excited to be able to pee, the walk down the hall to the bathroom wasn't that far but felt like it took me forever, like I did not ever want to go back into that room.
Turns out our little poppyseed didn't progress past 6wks 4 days. I should of been 9wks 4 days. There was no heartbeat. No foetal pole just a small little yolk blob of what tried to become our child. Even though our baby never properly formed I still feel like we lost our poppyseed. I wondered if at any point I should of known in those 6 weeks, then realised I would of had no idea at all.
I had what they call a missed miscarriage. My blood work showed hcg levels still high and not dropping and my body held on until I realised, like me,  my body is stubborn. After a long four hours at the Royal Hospital for Women - I discussed options with a lovely young doctor who booked me in for a d&c the following week, just in case my stubborn-assed body decided to not miscarry naturally, which of course it didn't. I had a couple of nurses excitedly say "oh you are around 10 weeks", to which I would just sit/lay there waiting for them to read the rest of the records and realise I was here to see how my miscarriage was progressing.  They were pretty quiet once they realised & the tone of their voice changed, felt like the biggest slap in the face ever. Finally had a lovely lady sonographer who talked me through everything & showed me what was happening, for me it was just what I needed, I wanted to know exactly what was what. It truly was the most emotional experience ever. So many happy posters about the hospital for you and your new baby, would you like a cd to show friends and family your baby scan, not to mention all the gorgeous pregnant women strolling around getting scans or the newborn cry you would often  hear in the distance. It truly broke my heart, I felt a tiny small part of me shrivel up and die. I felt hollow, numb and not sure how I should be reacting when I see these beautiful signs of new life that normally bring me so much joy.
The d&c procedure for me was closure of the previous three/four weeks emotional turmoil waiting for my body to realise that the pregnancy wasn't progressing. Everyday wondering did they make a mistake or will I miscarry today was truly the hardest for me to deal with.  A long day at the hospital but I felt it help me heal and I knew now I would be able to move on.
There are obviously the normal positives going though my head, we are lucky we CAN get pregnant, it is very common to miscarry for your first, better to happen now and not later (could not even start to fathom a later loss) that I so very much understand, but for me there is such a feeling of loss that just cannot be put into works. Like something was taken away from me that I hadn't had a chance to fully understand but was so emotionally attached & so committed my love to already. My emotions have been all over the shop, up, down, angry, sad & am just so grateful that I have such amazing family and friends who have helped me more than they will ever know.  Hormones are truly a bitch aren't they, one day you are fine and then next day bam waterworks city or a lettuce that falls out of the fridge is thrown hard and far.  I won't lie and say it has been the easiest time dealing with this at all and knowing that it is ok to let emotions run their course. 
I have learnt so much from myself, Drew (has been the most amazing, supportive husband ever and knowing how to let me just ride out the moods and when to help me by making me laugh, cry and just knowing when I need a hug and a kiss with no words, truly my best friend in the entire world), my friends (even those I haven't seen for a while), myself for letting me be and not trying to control everything, the fabulous nurses, online forums for when a strangers post makes you feel good  & I really do believe things happen for a reason. I also know that we are grieving and will take time to heal and will never forget the feeling of finding out we were pregnant, the reactions from Drew and family being so happy for us it made us all cry. I cannot wait to hear those words again soon "you are pregnant" and we will definitely keep a it a secret and under wraps for the first two months!  I hope soon to share happy news - until then Tiggy gets to remain the spoilt only child (fur baby), for now.



16 March 2015

Week 11 #fmsphotoaday

This week was a great week for #fmsphotoaday - I really felt this week captured moments that truly reflect how I was feeling, not having to find something for the daily prompt.  

9 Make
Happy National Meatball Day.  We had mince out of the freezer to make an easy Monday night bolognese and ended up having meatballs after my friend Jo reminded me (how dare I forget) that today was indeed meatball day.  Needless to say these were the best meatballs I have eaten in a long time. Scrumptious.

10 Floral
Hydrangeas I love. I walk past them everyday on my way home from work and they just always seem to say "hello, how are you going today"!  They always have a certain class about them and I love how the colours change depending on the day/weather.  

11 Happy Place
Wednesday night at the Ivy, tasting Wines from Around the World with Sarah R.  In my happy place. With a great friend who I haven't seen for a while, drinking wine from all around the world. Perfect.  The list had 126 wines on it... I could not tell you how many I indeed tasted but I know my head felt it the next day.  Two surprises - Underwood Pinot Noir from Oregon and Beyerskloof, Chenin Blanc/Pinotage from South Africa.

12 Details
Greenespresso cafe does the best homemade food. Even with my seediness from the wine last night I wanted something relatively good for me for lunch.  A small homemade beef/vegetable pie with spiral pasta salad with sweet potato, kale, curried cauliflower was amazing. Love how the platters of salads are on the table (not in a germ infested bain marie).

13 Colour
Fire warden training today took us to our new office on Erskine Street where they  had these gorgeous pink lillies in the floral display!  Love love flowers at the moment as a reminder of nature, colour and colourful flowers make me smile.

14 Favourite
Another flower themed prompt.  The smell of the frangipanni is amazing and always makes me think of tropical holidays, sun, sand, surf and swimming.  

15 Small
Decided to do a clean of my crystals and stones yesterday and realised that my collection is quite small.  I think I need to get this up and get some new colourful runes to work with.

Love how I can keep this online journal of my weeks. having done the 365 challenge before I like that this time I have a prompt to make me think.

12 March 2015

Week 10 #fmsphotoaday - March

2 Part of Me
Walk out in the fresh air with the husband in my relatively new sneakers!  Part of me loves walking and getting exercise. Let me feet do the walking.
3 Open
Door I saw near Coogee beach on a walk recently, thought it looked like a labyrinth door and wanted to open it and see what was inside....
4 Geometric
Geometric pattern on a painting at the Intercontinental hotel in Sydney this week. Helping out our sales and marketing team at our market report launch for customers and snapped this piccie. Perfect.
5 Out the Window
Sitting in reception at my counsellors office, for my first EAP visit. Love this view.  Was feeling quite nervous and anxious about talking to a complete strange but also excited that I got to discuss a few things I have been holding onto that need releasing and this view calmed me down ready for my session.
6 Remedy
Friday night, glass of wine (happy hour) sitting at Café del Mar with a couple girls from work as the sun was setting on Darling Harbour was pure remedy for the busy week we had all just endured. Cheers.
7 Sweet
Jamela's 30th birthday party Saturday night was Mexican themed.  there was gorgeous cactus eskies, decorations, flags, homemade chilli con carne, nachos and piñatas FULL of sweet sweet lollies.  Sherbets galore. Sweeties galore. nom
8 Young
Sunday football is nearly here.  They boys from Coogee United had a trial game on Sunday at South Sydney high school and it was a busy day with the WAGS coming down to watch the boys play with babies, coffees and this gorgeous little puppy called Alfie (check out his own insta account here).  He is so young and cute running around trying to play with everyone, chew everything and totally distracted us from watching the game. oops 5 - 0 was that the score?  Obviously the boys didn't need our cheer squad this week!

Week 9 #fmsphotoaday

23 Fix
Finally have my game fix! Got sent Cards Against Humanity from the gorgeous Cookie & Michael store in Melbourne.  They have amazing stuff, are gorgeous talented people who run the shop too!  Drew and I had visited Cookie and Michael, otherwise known as Dave & Michael and played this game. Highly addictive.  Cannot wait to play again.
24 12 O'clock
At this time today I was at the Royal Hospital for Women having a small procedure.  I remember sitting in the chair for what seemed like eternity and realised it was nearly 12 o'clock. I was hungry, tired and waiting for name to be called when I took a little selfie snap.  Long day but glad to have captured this picture.
25 Reflection
Watching MKR with delicious dishes being served up and something always catches my eye outside but forget it is the reflection of the TV. Looks like the lamp is also outside.... tricky reflections.
26 Grow
One day when I have a garden I would like to grow sunflowers. they are my favourite flower because they always make me smile. They are golden like rays of sunshine and just make me feel happy. 
27 Still Life
Friday night after a crazy week and sitting at the local newie pub for dinner I saw they had maple espresso martini's on the menu (SHOW ME WHERE I PUT THE MONEY)!!  $10 cocktails. Hello.  So I was sitting there still watching my gorgeous drink and the still coffee beans on top, seemed like a good 20seconds passed before I came to life and enjoyed not one, but two of these delicious cocktails.
28 Thank You
Thank you Menulog and home delivery for this great pizza.  Chicken with peri sauce on gluten free base for me. Was divine, got a medium and managed to eat most of it with leftovers for breakfast the next day (hey it has protein and veggies on it....)!

29 Starting with R
Ruth and Rob's Farewell party at Coogee Pavilion.  So sad to see these two gorgeous people leave Australia and head back to Ireland.  Rob played in Drew's Coogee United team and was our WAG of choice player.  Going to miss your funny jokes, cute smile and just being awesome (not to mention talented footie player) and the only man who has made my husband cry (inside joke)!.  Farewell R&R.

Week 8 #fmsphotoaday

16 From where I stand
After an overdue lunch catch up with friends I stopped to take in the view at World Square as it has been ages since I have been there, after working in the EY building for over 7 years was nice to come back and see the changes.
17 Routine
Love a cuppa? I do.  A good cup of tea is definitely a daily routine, sometimes black tea, sometimes white or green tea depending on my mood.  I do like it strong and am known to use two tea bags for one cuppa.  Irish in me you see.  This picture is of the cup I got two Christmas's ago from my lovely mother-in-law Sandra. Great present.
18 Bedside
Crystals, candles, angels to watch over me, to send me love, light and to give me energy on my bedside table.   My workbook from Leonie Dawson also to inspire my creative side, to push through barriers and to challenge me and a bottle of natural insect repellent from Thailand in case pesky mossies come in the window at night. 
19 Fresh
Fresh flowers delivered to me from my gorgeous friends after I had been through a difficult patch.  they smelt divine and were called spirit roses, perfect. They truly brightened my day with the fresh smell of roses in my house. Divine.
20 This is so me
Assembly Bar - Friday night drinks with Sarah and Anita.  Love this bar, great vibe, awesome cocktails and a cool bar that has candles, fresh roses and cute bartenders.  So me.
21 matching
Matching pillows on our love seat (which Mr Tiggy has claimed as his lounge) we have matching love pillows - pink and white.  I love that they give our backyard some colour and they were a very thoughtful gift from Drew's parents when we moved in to our new place nearly three years ago. 
22 Macro
Today's prompt was macro. I thought "I don't have a SLR camera, how on earth am I going to capture macro today?"!  Sunday morning I was feeling pretty chilled, cool morning as it had rained and I had made myself a yummy Nespresso and stood outside in the sunshine so glad it has come through the clouds and it really lifted my mood.  I saw the vines glistening in the sun and thought, "wonder how much zoom my Samsung phone actually has?"!  This was the result and I even blogged about it that day, click here to read. 
Really a gorgeous week with friends and feeling very loved and am so grateful for so many great people in my life.  This is the reason why I am doing this photo-a-day challenge because it truly makes you stop and think about your day, capturing a vision of something that you want to share and that moment you will always have will be in Instagram, my blogs and also Facebook if shared images there.   I wanted to do a little blog for my pictures to look back on and realise that even though we get caught up in the mundane day to day routine we can truly experience greatness everywhere we look, we just have to open our eyes.

11 March 2015

Week 7 #fmsphotoaday

So behind on my blogging.. here is Week 7!


9 Energy
Feeling a little sluggish means I need to exercise more to get more usable energy and swimming is the place that I need to be more often.  For me following the black line is time when I can just let go of all the stress, tension and worries and give my body a good swim session.
10 Inspires Me
Part of the sluggishness means I need to get myself back into exercise. It makes you feel good, inspires me to be more creative in my life, gives me more energy and reduces the cortisol in the body.  This photo of Drew and I on our first trip to Thailand together I felt so fit and healthy and alive.  This is what inspires me to train hard, eat well, rest, recover, be at one with body and mind.
11 On the Wall
Our security system at home is our fluffy ginger SH Tiggy. He likes to be up high and keep an eye on the other units behind us, always on the wall chilling out and keeping an eye on things.  Love this little bundle.
12 Pointy
Taking some time out this week to relax and pamper myself with a little pedicure on the way home from a busy day at work.  Love that you get a nice massaging chair, someone to scrub and make your feet pretty plus you get a nice foot massage, leg massage and hot towels. An hour of bliss for $28. not a bad way to spend I say.
13 Temptation
Dark chocolate with nuts. My favourite chocolate ever. The darker the better.  The taste of the cacao and the nuts together is a marriage made in heaven. You don't get that mad sugar high, low and it tastes divine.  This is my temptation today.
14 Love
Love is a many splendid thing, love lifts us up where we belong and for me love is something I will always cherish with this gorgeous man.  Love is being there for each other in the good and bad times/days, to be supportive, to give hugs and just be together knowing you are enough. the security that comes with love is amazing but also so scary that you could lose it at any moment. I love looking at Drew and just knowing that with my entire body and soul I love this man.  I spend time thinking about how lucky I am to have him in my life, how happy he makes me and focusing on the good and not the bad. I hear many women whinge about their husbands, men are simple creatures.
15 Spot
Spot on the ground. Was walking to the train station on my way home from work and noticed this spot, took a picture as it shows of my newly manicured toes too!  yay.  Hometime makes me happy, spotting things makes me happy. Didn't think this would be the photo for this prompt for today but like that it is.