5 January 2018

Sugar free

Sugar free started two days ago - give me strength!!  So far so good......
I inhaled sugar when pregnant and seems I am addicted......... no more excuses. Sugar is my weakness, I don't even enjoy it anymore. Now when I say "sugar free" I don't mean fruit- because fruit is awesome. I am talking about the packets of mint slices biscuits, blocks of chocolate, ice-cream, red licorice.......Sugar in my tea and diet/skim drinks/products.
#putdownthemintslice #sugarfree #iqs #healthyformaddie

31 July 2017

So many dresses!!!

Currently renting an old house in the Inner West of Sydney and dealing with a typical old house problem - mould. After sorting out the process with the landlord/real estate, we are now going through the treatment phase. This means making sure there is no mould on items before the treatment commences.

We have lost a few items to mould and yesterday I decided to finally go through the side of my wardrobe that I am not currently wearing - this is due to weather being winter, but mainly because they don't fit me anymore.

I have some amazing dresses from halter necks, maxi dresses, saba shifts and a few LBD's that are just sitting there, wanting to be worn and shown off. I could wear them in winter too with tights and a jacket. I have some truly stunning summer dresses from Frocked, formal dresses bought in the UK, Cue dresses brought that I wore to the Michelle Bridges end of challenge parties in 2010 (I did two rounds). I was pulling out these mould free dresses and just getting more and more excited about my fitmamma challenge starting today and expanding the clothes I will be able.to wear again. I have "started" many times in the last few months, but haven't been 100% committed, really just going through the process because I thought that is what I wanted to do, but wasn't ready.

Until now, see my previous post here. I have had the switch finally flick on and am super pumped, excited and confident.
Today is day one of cleanse  (green smoothie shot below  courtesy of my good friend Kobe). Reducing dairy, caffeine and eating clean and healthy. Eliminate all over processed and junk foods.
Back into the LBD like in the photo below, the evening before my wedding in 2014!!

28 July 2017

Mojo is BACK!!!

Had an interesting session at the gym this morning. I booked in for my free 30min PT session.  I have been feeling shit about my body and fitness.  I was thinking, I cannot get back my healthy leaner, fitter body, I have lost my mojo.

So, I booked in the 30min session thinking I was going to have to do regular PT sessions again to increase my strength and fitness and reduce my wobbly bits (bits not tits). WRONG.  I have been focusing on the CAN’T side of things instead of the CAN. In my head all I was focusing on was my old tired and injured body.  Not training regularly for the past 2 years has definitely taken its toll on both my body and my mind.  I had started believing that what I saw in the mirror had become who I was. WRONG again.

I had just faint memories of an energetic woman who loved the gym, who loved training and was super inspired to achieve her goals, and now even though there are some weak areas in the body due to many contributing factors she loved challenging herself, seemed a distant memory.  Pictures and events on Facebook kept popping up to remind me of these great achievements and they started making me feel even worse about myself. I tried to look at them as motivation, but I just felt defeated.  I know you cannot compare yourself to how things were 10 years ago… time changes and things in life happen.

My headspace has been taken over by becoming a mum. One of the most amazing experiences ever and it is like I shut down many other parts of my brain to use it for mum responsibilities (even trying to speak some days was a very hard task) and this brain shut down,  I think is totally acceptable!!  This little person arrives and I was functioning on little to no sleep and trying to feed this little person every couple hours, which took a couple hours and that was my day pretty much for three months.  So in that space of course I had lost my fitness mojo, replaced it with multi-tasking between sleeping, feeding, burping (the baby mostly) and staring at this amazing little mini-me (or in my case mini-drew, spitting image of my husband).  Yes, I had lost my fitness mojo, but fuck me it is worth it every time I look at Maddison. I am still amazed that at 42 years young I became a mum.  I became responsible for a little mini-person and  I had started accepting in a positive way that I was softer and wobblier than before I had her and that this was normal, this is ok. And you know what? It was ok, now it is time to get out of first and into second gear and start getting back into the swing of things fitness wise. No more excuses (the “I had a baby” excuse is 7months old).  I  had those first few crazy months to get my head around having a baby (still getting my head around it….). My body is still going through some pretty crazy changes (thanks hormones) and I honestly never thought I would find my fitness mojo again, until this morning.

After joining the gym two months ago, I had only been a handful of times and didn’t really feel the pump. I was struggling with finding ME time. Time for me to have away from home, work, family and concentrate on just ME. I felt guilty. I felt lost and torn.  I know making time for myself is healthy and should be a priority, but I was struggling and felt flat, lethargic and useless.

The light has finally switched on people and I feel the fire in my belly (not like heartburn when pregnant, a real excited desire to achieve)!  The desire to push myself has returned, the desire to rebuild this body, bit by bit, to strengthen the areas that have weakened or become tighter than ever before has returned. Things are going to be different and it is going to take some time to rebuild this new model, now , What shall I call her??

4 July 2017

Back to the grind......

After having nearly 8 months off work I went back yesterday to a great role in the city. I did so with mixed feelings - guilt, sadness and excitement.

I felt sooo guilty leaving my little Maddie after spending everyday with her since she was born - technically we haven't been apart for 16 months if you count womb time haha!! Lots of tears the last few days everytime I look at her and give her bottles to her. So happy that hubby/Dad is on paternity leave and they are having a great time together.... going to take some time to get used to leaving the house all day. 5am bottles and 530pm shower and bottles are the goal for me everyday.

Sad that I don't get to see her for all the hours in the day that I used too..... no singing play school everyday or having random moments and cuddles - that face!!! Love that face, her eyes just look at you and it is the best feeling in the world - she makes my heart beat so loud and proud to be her mum.

Excitement to be able to return to work and learn a new role in a new company with great culture and people. Wearing makeup and big girl clothes instead of trackies!! Catching the train and listening to music or reading having some me time feels good. Lunching with friends in the city and enjoying hot coffee and sitting down to eat breakfasts and lunches.

Still early days and have a long way to go on this transition from sahm to working mum. I know I will find a good balance and spend quality time with Maddie when I can.

26 May 2017

Chocolate Anonymous

Being pregnant has kicked my chocolate eating into a full blown nasty habit.... I dream of chocolate and sometimes have panic attacks if I don't have it.... I know it is a bad habit that my pleasure centre in the brain controls and sends me the signals aka cravings to satisfy its dirty  hunger. No more!!!

No more I said.... even trying 90% dark chocolate to stop me eating large quantities hasn't worked. I need to go cold turkey. Cold bloody turkey.

Check out my Facebook page & join me with your bad habit for 30 days (wine, social media, trashy books, cheese, ciggies, porn etc) whatever your addiction is that you want to kick to the curb.

Starting 12pm tomorrow!! You can do it, join me and feel good, in control and taking one step at a time to change our habit!


21 February 2017

Boobies and feeding!! Pressures of breastfeeding

Breastfeeding sounds so natural right?  You get pregnant, carry them for 10months and then they are magically meant to latch onto your boobs and drink every couple of hours for at least 6 - 12 months (or longer if you have the time and/or patience).  I have seen so many ladies just popping bub on and suck suck suck.  I knew it would be a challenge as I have heard from so many mums just how challenging it would be, so you think I would of been prepared hey?

Breastfeeding is harder than being pregnant and PUSHING out the baby combined.  Waiting for the colostrum to come out and the milk to come in to feed your child. To give your child the best start in life, to build up her immune system and give her comfort by being skin to skin and on your breast.   If it so darn natural, then why is it the hardest thing I have ever had to do?  You have two people who have just met for the first time out of the womb and you are expected to know what to do.  Maddison did root around and try and find my breast which was good, glad one of us knew what to do.

For me it hasn't been an easy experience. Being induced and then having midwives (god bless them) milk me everyday to get every last bit of colostrum out of my boobs was definitely an experience!!  I have never had so many people interested in my nipples before or felt so much pain with them milking me dry.  It was totally lost on hubby as he kept walking in to find a young midwife feeling up his wife.  Maddie did latch but not very well, she would get frustrated no matter how many different positions we tried with the lactation consultant, my milk just wasn't through enough for her and it was a frustrating time for all.

Leaving hospital without my milk coming through was hard, she was getting as much colostrum and a little milk as she could and that seemed to be enough for her but we got formula on the way home, on advice from the midwife "just in case". This was the best advice from the midwife, I didn't want to "give up" just yet and I wanted to breastfeed.  I wanted to provide the best I could for Maddie, I wanted the closeness, the convenience and knowing that I could settle my daughter with the breast if I needed to when she was hungry, sleepy or not settling. Skin to skin is something that I cherish as it is a special bond with my child.

Christmas Day my milk came through, five days after she was born and it was a stressful time trying to feed her.  She would not latch and I ended up going back to the LC and getting a nipple shield which made my girl feed so much better, but still not EVERY feed of the day, we still gave her expressed milk and then some formula to top her up. It was hard trying to trust your gut and asking for advice I felt that I was doing the wrong thing by not exclusively breastfeeding my girl.  It has been a looong eight weeks. Maddie has done so well with mix feeding and she is sleeping like a champion. She has just decided to not want to bf at all, no matter how sleepy she is, hungry she screams as soon as I try any way to latch her on (even after expressing).

I hate that I am feeling so emotional, guilty and torn about giving up breastfeeding my little girl and just expressing what I can for her and giving her formula for the rest of her feeds.  I had these expectations that I would breastfeed for as long as I wanted.  I wanted the closeness and bonding time with my little girl, knowing I was giving her mothers milk.  I imagined that is what breastfeeding would of given me long term.

I am focusing on what is important for both of us right now and that is a happy, healthy growing baby girl and a non-stressed mum!  She is putting on weight, sleeping well and is happy and loves grabbing my hand when I feed her the bottle (whether expressed breastmilk or formula) we still have cuddles and she still loves going to sleep holding my finger against her dummy  - it might not be the consoling I thought she would get from the boob, but she doesn't realise the difference. Only I am aware of the no breastfeeding changes.  She is fed. Fed is best.

I am focusing on are the positives. I have to believe that I have NOT failed my daughter and I truly believe I have tried everything in my power to get breastfeeding exclusively but it was not happening for us.  I have made lactation cookies, drank the tea, eaten the vitamins, pumped, pumped and pumped and put her on the boob so many times.  She now accepts a bottle and isn't too fussy who gives it to her (win win) Daddy can give her a feed at anytime. It has been nice to have a sleep in on the weekend and wake up to the two together having a bottle - that is perfect bonding time that is important for both of them.  We can leave the house at anytime and know that she has food ready to go which is always helpful for those days you just NEED to leave the house before you go mental!

My expectations have been shattered. I will not lie and say I am disappointed and sad.  My expectations have changed.  I have realised that we are so very lucky.  We spent a long time to get our gorgeous girl and I am just happy that she is here, healthy and striving.  I must stop listening to the inner critic and the BF nurses who harp on that "breast is best".  Breast is best if all circumstances ALLOW you to Breastfeed!  Many many women cannot breastfeed their children.  Many friends I know weren't breastfed and they turned out ok (me included).  I am giving her what I can and for how long I choose to express (or when the milk runs dry) and know I have started her on the right track and formula will keep her growing up to be a healthy girl.

So I am taking all the advice I have had from amazing friends (you know who you are). I am doing what works for me.

So if you are struggling to feed, if you are stressed and it is taking over your mind and putting you in a negative place, it is time to work out what is going to work best for YOU and your baby.  Your mental health is important. Your baby needs you to be on the ball and there for them at all times.  As long as they are fed, loved and hugged they will grow to be amazing little people.

16 January 2017

Becoming a MUM!

Sitting here listening to the cute noises my daughter is making in her sleep I cannot believe it has been nearly a month since she arrived to meet us.    The whole experience has truly been amazing and I still cannot believe she came OUT of me.  There is NO way being pregnant for the first time prepares you for the arrival of your baby – even though you have had ten months of “being pregnant” you literally have NO idea until they are born how amazing it is to grow a mini person inside you and see them for the very first time.
I repeated the “I cannot believe she came out of me” line at least 10 times a day when we first brought her home when she was two days old.  She was just perfect and so cute and I just could not stop looking at her. It is so true what they say, all the pain and uncomfortableness is totally worth it.
The journey to become a mum has been a long one for us; we started trying a few months after we got married in 2014.  Initially it was just coming off the pill and then tracking the cycles and hoping we got pregnant.  2015 for us was a tough year suffering three miscarriages, which was such a tough time for us.  I blogged about my experiences as I felt it helped to get the weight of the losses off my chest and hoped that it helped someone out there who was suffering in silence to know they are not alone and we should talk about our children we don’t get to meet.
2016 was going to be a different year for us, we just didn’t know it yet.  We had somehow gotten stronger together through all the pain and the recovering from two “evacuations” and I decided to have a couple months off “trying” to get pregnant.  My headspace wasn’t quite in the place it needed to be and I could not do another two-week wait after ovulating to see if we had conceived. 
After three months I felt it was time to try again and that is when we conceived, on Easter Monday to be exact (TMI).   We had a friends wedding in Bali in the first week of April and we were looking forward to a few days away with friends and I put out of my mind that “we could” be pregnant and for the first time since we started trying actually relaxed, enjoyed myself with eating, drinking and having a great holiday/wedding celebrations.  I just didn’t want to be consumed anymore by getting pregnant; if we were I was happy to wait until we got back home to deal with it.  I wanted to be “normal” and enjoy the cocktails, beers and eating delicious foods that Bali has to offer.  It was the best time ever.
So after Bali I had the two-week wait to see if I got my period.  Normally I have to take the test the day I am due or a few days after for the hormones to be high enough for the pregnancy test to read it as positive.  I did it at 3am in the morning around 4 days before I was due – no idea why – just was awake and needed to pee and had the tests sitting there, I don’t know if I “just knew” or was being my usual stubborn and inpatient self (I would say a mix of the two)!  It was positive! Holy crap I thought, should I wake up Drew and let him know or wait until the morning?  Lets just say that was an early wake up alarm for him, he had NO idea ha-ha and thought it was all a dream – woke up a few hours later asking me “are we pregnant or did I dream that you told me you were?”
The first few weeks I had this strong feeling that everything was going to be ok, that it was our time to have a child and my gut was right as I saw the heartbeat flicker on the screen at the earliest ultrasound ever at 6 weeks 3 days.  My doctor wanted to get on top of things early and ensure all was ok this pregnancy, I didn’t mind and Drew didn’t come to this scan – not sure if he thought it would be too early or if he would just see nothing on the scan moving and it would be like losing our other babies all over again.   I think he needed reassurance that all was ok this time before he would go with me to a scan again, and I cannot blame him.  He came with me a week later to see the same flicker on the screen, our baby this time had a beating heart, we have never gotten this far before!
So pregnancy went well, felt like forever some days, but I really did enjoy being pregnant, even with the afternoon sickness, nausea and hormones making you turn from a mushy lovely wife to a narly cranky cow within seconds.  I embraced it all and just hoped that our little MJ (mini Jones) or babygirl as we called her (I just knew she was a girl) was going to be ok.  We had so many scans throughout the pregnancy because of my age and our history and it was all very reassuring.
That feeling when you see your little baby forming from a dot to a little person on your 10/16/20 week scan is truly the most amazing sight ever. Someone above was looking after our baby girl and us.  I felt her growing inside me and just hoped that she would make it to us ok and I was doing everything I could to provide a safe and healthy environment for her.
Our local gp and midwives at the Royal Hospital for women in Randwick looking after us, we had so many appts, blood tests to make sure all was ok.  I grew bigger and could not wait to feel our baby girl move!  Having an anterior placenta meant that I wouldn’t necessarily feel all her movements or see her arms/legs stick out of my belly as the placenta was in the way.  I enjoyed getting HUGE, I loved my body changing and was so happy to have a healthy and vital pregnancy.  Everything was going well.
July saw my newly started Operations Manager role made redundant at nearly 5 months pregnant and September we were advised that the owners of our unit were selling the property and we had 90 days to move out and find a new home.  They say everything happens at once, I took this as a good sign (gosh I can be SO darn positive sometimes).  I must admit it was a little stressful, but we managed to just take each day as it came and looked at so many different properties every weekend.
Working on a temporary contract at the Powerhouse Museum was perfect for this pregnant mamma to be, great people, friendly and the hours were flexible and the role not too stressful and on top of that we found a nice house (yes house, with grass and no stairs) in the inner west that we moved into and we were back on track.
I could not believe at how fast (and sometimes it felt slow) the year was going.  I was moving slower and walking to and from the train station took me 23mins each way (normally takes 10mins).  I started catching the bus to work and then the train home so Drew could pick me up.  The waddling was hilarious and I could not believe at how slow I had become, I am a fast walker, one of those annoying people that walk so fast they over take everyone on their way past….. the only people I overtook were old ladies with their walking frames and one day I overtook another pregnant woman (yes I did feel bad for feeling awesome for that, she was ready to pop and about 32inches shorter than me)!
Working up until the end of November was perfect my temporary role that started out as a 4-6 weeks lasted me four months! I had a week to myself before my parents arrived from Perth to make sure they didn’t miss the arrival of their FIRST grandchild, in case she came early (I was a prem baby arriving at 32 weeks) and having my folks drive me around was great, especially on those hot days where we would just go and sit in an air-conditioned coffee shop for hours (mixing retired parents with a pregnant woman)! Was great to spend time with them before baby girl arrived and I was hoping she would come early in December and not too close to Christmas.
Being an AMA pregnant mamma (Advanced Maternal Age) meant that the hospital would want me to be induced and not go over my due date to avoid any risks of being an older first time mum.   This was not my choice but I didn’t want to take any unnecessary risks.  I hoped and prayed that she would come on her own and when she was good and ready.  She was due on the 20th December and was born on the 20th December after being induced at exactly 40 weeks to the day.  I had been in hospital for two days prior to her being induced to prepare my cervix for delivery as it was NOT ready at all. 
I never wanted to be induced, I hated the idea that my I would not be in control and my body wasn’t going through the birth when it was ready and naturally.  But I embraced that my body is stubborn and I didn’t want to put any risks on either of us and just went with the flow. Babygirl was very happy inside, good to know the environment I created for her was so comfy she just wanted to stay there a bit longer!
After having two procedures – the gel and a balloon catheter to “ripen” my cervix I was finally ready to go to delivery suite from the antenatal ward on the day she was due.  My waters were broken at 815am and I had a couple hours of horrendous contractions coming at irregular times as the midwife Jo tried to control them with the oxytocin drip (synthetic version of the hormone the body produces to go into labour).  I had never felt anything like contractions before and they were not fun at all.  I could not get comfortable and in a good position to prepare for them as they were so irregular being controlled by the drip in my arm.  Jo tried to get them under control but I didn’t want to take it anymore and told her to get the epidural ASAP.
 Three hours was enough, I was only 4cm dilated (2cm had been from the earlier two procedures) and I did NOT fancy doing that for another 10hrs.   The gas made me sick and I didn’t feel in control.   Drew was being amazing support to me and even an assistant to our midwife, helping her with things she needed to prepare me as well as feeding me water and putting cold compresses on my head.  It was nice to feel the effects of the epidural take place and we could both have a rest until it was time for me to deliver our daughter.  So glad I made that decision.  Things got quiet and no-one was stressed, our daughter was getting ready to make her appearance.
It was a bizarre feeling being told that I had to push and I was numb as from the waist down.  I could not believe that in about 20mins I would be meeting my little girl.  Seeing her come out was truly amazing, seeing that little head and her being placed crying on my chest only to be comforted by my warmth was the best thing I have ever experienced in my entire life.  She had gunk all over her but was perfect. 

I am now a mum! I have the most precious girl in the world and she is worth all the growing pains, stretch marks and sleepless nights.  Looking into her eyes I feel so much love, more than I ever could imagine I would feel.  She is our little angel.