20 August 2018


The struggle is real.

Getting healthy and under 80kgs is my goal.

Reducing my sugar intake, training more and strengthening my core, my body and my mind.

The struggle has been so real. I admit some of it is probably in my head.  Having struggled with depression before I wasn't surprised when it happened again after the birth of my first child.  I have struggled with anxiety and depression more after we had many heartbreaks trying for our daughter.  The fear of something happening to her has increased my anxiety and I have struggled with work and relationships for the past year and a half.  Life has changed and I too must change.

20months after having a baby I am still struggling to get rid of the fog, the stresses of working life and family life. It is real and not always just an excuse.  Unless you have had the fog and struggles, it is hard to "just" get things moving.  I have gone from 96.5kgs to 89.8kgs in a year, have reached a plateau now.  Before we tried to have a baby I was 79kgs, having put on a few kgs after not training so much.  Putting on 18kgs during the trying to get pregnant process really has been tough. My mental state mostly has suffered and the body is carrying more fat than it should be and I have adopted some unhealthy eating patterns which need to cease.

I have been slowly making changes with my patterns of thinking. My thought processes and confidence all play a part in getting me healthier, fitter and to being the best version of me, now. Not the person I was 8+years ago. My mindset and body are so different now and this is the canvas I must work with and adapt to suit.

#healthyformaddie is my challenge to get me in a better frame of body and mind so I can be the best mum for my daughter, Maddison and be around longer to see her grow!

5 January 2018

Sugar free

Sugar free started two days ago - give me strength!!  So far so good......
I inhaled sugar when pregnant and seems I am addicted......... no more excuses. Sugar is my weakness, I don't even enjoy it anymore. Now when I say "sugar free" I don't mean fruit- because fruit is awesome. I am talking about the packets of mint slices biscuits, blocks of chocolate, ice-cream, red licorice.......Sugar in my tea and diet/skim drinks/products.
#putdownthemintslice #sugarfree #iqs #healthyformaddie

31 July 2017

So many dresses!!!

Currently renting an old house in the Inner West of Sydney and dealing with a typical old house problem - mould. After sorting out the process with the landlord/real estate, we are now going through the treatment phase. This means making sure there is no mould on items before the treatment commences.

We have lost a few items to mould and yesterday I decided to finally go through the side of my wardrobe that I am not currently wearing - this is due to weather being winter, but mainly because they don't fit me anymore.

I have some amazing dresses from halter necks, maxi dresses, saba shifts and a few LBD's that are just sitting there, wanting to be worn and shown off. I could wear them in winter too with tights and a jacket. I have some truly stunning summer dresses from Frocked, formal dresses bought in the UK, Cue dresses brought that I wore to the Michelle Bridges end of challenge parties in 2010 (I did two rounds). I was pulling out these mould free dresses and just getting more and more excited about my fitmamma challenge starting today and expanding the clothes I will be able.to wear again. I have "started" many times in the last few months, but haven't been 100% committed, really just going through the process because I thought that is what I wanted to do, but wasn't ready.

Until now, see my previous post here. I have had the switch finally flick on and am super pumped, excited and confident.
Today is day one of cleanse  (green smoothie shot below  courtesy of my good friend Kobe). Reducing dairy, caffeine and eating clean and healthy. Eliminate all over processed and junk foods.
Back into the LBD like in the photo below, the evening before my wedding in 2014!!

28 July 2017

Mojo is BACK!!!

Had an interesting session at the gym this morning. I booked in for my free 30min PT session.  I have been feeling shit about my body and fitness.  I was thinking, I cannot get back my healthy leaner, fitter body, I have lost my mojo.

So, I booked in the 30min session thinking I was going to have to do regular PT sessions again to increase my strength and fitness and reduce my wobbly bits (bits not tits). WRONG.  I have been focusing on the CAN’T side of things instead of the CAN. In my head all I was focusing on was my old tired and injured body.  Not training regularly for the past 2 years has definitely taken its toll on both my body and my mind.  I had started believing that what I saw in the mirror had become who I was. WRONG again.

I had just faint memories of an energetic woman who loved the gym, who loved training and was super inspired to achieve her goals, and now even though there are some weak areas in the body due to many contributing factors she loved challenging herself, seemed a distant memory.  Pictures and events on Facebook kept popping up to remind me of these great achievements and they started making me feel even worse about myself. I tried to look at them as motivation, but I just felt defeated.  I know you cannot compare yourself to how things were 10 years ago… time changes and things in life happen.

My headspace has been taken over by becoming a mum. One of the most amazing experiences ever and it is like I shut down many other parts of my brain to use it for mum responsibilities (even trying to speak some days was a very hard task) and this brain shut down,  I think is totally acceptable!!  This little person arrives and I was functioning on little to no sleep and trying to feed this little person every couple hours, which took a couple hours and that was my day pretty much for three months.  So in that space of course I had lost my fitness mojo, replaced it with multi-tasking between sleeping, feeding, burping (the baby mostly) and staring at this amazing little mini-me (or in my case mini-drew, spitting image of my husband).  Yes, I had lost my fitness mojo, but fuck me it is worth it every time I look at Maddison. I am still amazed that at 42 years young I became a mum.  I became responsible for a little mini-person and  I had started accepting in a positive way that I was softer and wobblier than before I had her and that this was normal, this is ok. And you know what? It was ok, now it is time to get out of first and into second gear and start getting back into the swing of things fitness wise. No more excuses (the “I had a baby” excuse is 7months old).  I  had those first few crazy months to get my head around having a baby (still getting my head around it….). My body is still going through some pretty crazy changes (thanks hormones) and I honestly never thought I would find my fitness mojo again, until this morning.

After joining the gym two months ago, I had only been a handful of times and didn’t really feel the pump. I was struggling with finding ME time. Time for me to have away from home, work, family and concentrate on just ME. I felt guilty. I felt lost and torn.  I know making time for myself is healthy and should be a priority, but I was struggling and felt flat, lethargic and useless.

The light has finally switched on people and I feel the fire in my belly (not like heartburn when pregnant, a real excited desire to achieve)!  The desire to push myself has returned, the desire to rebuild this body, bit by bit, to strengthen the areas that have weakened or become tighter than ever before has returned. Things are going to be different and it is going to take some time to rebuild this new model, now , What shall I call her??

4 July 2017

Back to the grind......

After having nearly 8 months off work I went back yesterday to a great role in the city. I did so with mixed feelings - guilt, sadness and excitement.

I felt sooo guilty leaving my little Maddie after spending everyday with her since she was born - technically we haven't been apart for 16 months if you count womb time haha!! Lots of tears the last few days everytime I look at her and give her bottles to her. So happy that hubby/Dad is on paternity leave and they are having a great time together.... going to take some time to get used to leaving the house all day. 5am bottles and 530pm shower and bottles are the goal for me everyday.

Sad that I don't get to see her for all the hours in the day that I used too..... no singing play school everyday or having random moments and cuddles - that face!!! Love that face, her eyes just look at you and it is the best feeling in the world - she makes my heart beat so loud and proud to be her mum.

Excitement to be able to return to work and learn a new role in a new company with great culture and people. Wearing makeup and big girl clothes instead of trackies!! Catching the train and listening to music or reading having some me time feels good. Lunching with friends in the city and enjoying hot coffee and sitting down to eat breakfasts and lunches.

Still early days and have a long way to go on this transition from sahm to working mum. I know I will find a good balance and spend quality time with Maddie when I can.

26 May 2017

Chocolate Anonymous

Being pregnant has kicked my chocolate eating into a full blown nasty habit.... I dream of chocolate and sometimes have panic attacks if I don't have it.... I know it is a bad habit that my pleasure centre in the brain controls and sends me the signals aka cravings to satisfy its dirty  hunger. No more!!!

No more I said.... even trying 90% dark chocolate to stop me eating large quantities hasn't worked. I need to go cold turkey. Cold bloody turkey.

Check out my Facebook page & join me with your bad habit for 30 days (wine, social media, trashy books, cheese, ciggies, porn etc) whatever your addiction is that you want to kick to the curb.

Starting 12pm tomorrow!! You can do it, join me and feel good, in control and taking one step at a time to change our habit!


21 February 2017

Boobies and feeding!! Pressures of breastfeeding

Breastfeeding sounds so natural right?  You get pregnant, carry them for 10months and then they are magically meant to latch onto your boobs and drink every couple of hours for at least 6 - 12 months (or longer if you have the time and/or patience).  I have seen so many ladies just popping bub on and suck suck suck.  I knew it would be a challenge as I have heard from so many mums just how challenging it would be, so you think I would of been prepared hey?

Breastfeeding is harder than being pregnant and PUSHING out the baby combined.  Waiting for the colostrum to come out and the milk to come in to feed your child. To give your child the best start in life, to build up her immune system and give her comfort by being skin to skin and on your breast.   If it so darn natural, then why is it the hardest thing I have ever had to do?  You have two people who have just met for the first time out of the womb and you are expected to know what to do.  Maddison did root around and try and find my breast which was good, glad one of us knew what to do.

For me it hasn't been an easy experience. Being induced and then having midwives (god bless them) milk me everyday to get every last bit of colostrum out of my boobs was definitely an experience!!  I have never had so many people interested in my nipples before or felt so much pain with them milking me dry.  It was totally lost on hubby as he kept walking in to find a young midwife feeling up his wife.  Maddie did latch but not very well, she would get frustrated no matter how many different positions we tried with the lactation consultant, my milk just wasn't through enough for her and it was a frustrating time for all.

Leaving hospital without my milk coming through was hard, she was getting as much colostrum and a little milk as she could and that seemed to be enough for her but we got formula on the way home, on advice from the midwife "just in case". This was the best advice from the midwife, I didn't want to "give up" just yet and I wanted to breastfeed.  I wanted to provide the best I could for Maddie, I wanted the closeness, the convenience and knowing that I could settle my daughter with the breast if I needed to when she was hungry, sleepy or not settling. Skin to skin is something that I cherish as it is a special bond with my child.

Christmas Day my milk came through, five days after she was born and it was a stressful time trying to feed her.  She would not latch and I ended up going back to the LC and getting a nipple shield which made my girl feed so much better, but still not EVERY feed of the day, we still gave her expressed milk and then some formula to top her up. It was hard trying to trust your gut and asking for advice I felt that I was doing the wrong thing by not exclusively breastfeeding my girl.  It has been a looong eight weeks. Maddie has done so well with mix feeding and she is sleeping like a champion. She has just decided to not want to bf at all, no matter how sleepy she is, hungry she screams as soon as I try any way to latch her on (even after expressing).

I hate that I am feeling so emotional, guilty and torn about giving up breastfeeding my little girl and just expressing what I can for her and giving her formula for the rest of her feeds.  I had these expectations that I would breastfeed for as long as I wanted.  I wanted the closeness and bonding time with my little girl, knowing I was giving her mothers milk.  I imagined that is what breastfeeding would of given me long term.

I am focusing on what is important for both of us right now and that is a happy, healthy growing baby girl and a non-stressed mum!  She is putting on weight, sleeping well and is happy and loves grabbing my hand when I feed her the bottle (whether expressed breastmilk or formula) we still have cuddles and she still loves going to sleep holding my finger against her dummy  - it might not be the consoling I thought she would get from the boob, but she doesn't realise the difference. Only I am aware of the no breastfeeding changes.  She is fed. Fed is best.

I am focusing on are the positives. I have to believe that I have NOT failed my daughter and I truly believe I have tried everything in my power to get breastfeeding exclusively but it was not happening for us.  I have made lactation cookies, drank the tea, eaten the vitamins, pumped, pumped and pumped and put her on the boob so many times.  She now accepts a bottle and isn't too fussy who gives it to her (win win) Daddy can give her a feed at anytime. It has been nice to have a sleep in on the weekend and wake up to the two together having a bottle - that is perfect bonding time that is important for both of them.  We can leave the house at anytime and know that she has food ready to go which is always helpful for those days you just NEED to leave the house before you go mental!

My expectations have been shattered. I will not lie and say I am disappointed and sad.  My expectations have changed.  I have realised that we are so very lucky.  We spent a long time to get our gorgeous girl and I am just happy that she is here, healthy and striving.  I must stop listening to the inner critic and the BF nurses who harp on that "breast is best".  Breast is best if all circumstances ALLOW you to Breastfeed!  Many many women cannot breastfeed their children.  Many friends I know weren't breastfed and they turned out ok (me included).  I am giving her what I can and for how long I choose to express (or when the milk runs dry) and know I have started her on the right track and formula will keep her growing up to be a healthy girl.

So I am taking all the advice I have had from amazing friends (you know who you are). I am doing what works for me.

So if you are struggling to feed, if you are stressed and it is taking over your mind and putting you in a negative place, it is time to work out what is going to work best for YOU and your baby.  Your mental health is important. Your baby needs you to be on the ball and there for them at all times.  As long as they are fed, loved and hugged they will grow to be amazing little people.