31 July 2017
28 July 2017
Had an interesting session at the gym this morning. I booked in for my free 30min PT session. I have been feeling shit about my body and fitness. I was thinking, I cannot get back my healthy leaner, fitter body, I have lost my mojo.
So, I booked in the 30min session thinking I was going to have to do regular PT sessions again to increase my strength and fitness and reduce my wobbly bits (bits not tits). WRONG. I have been focusing on the CAN’T side of things instead of the CAN. In my head all I was focusing on was my old tired and injured body. Not training regularly for the past 2 years has definitely taken its toll on both my body and my mind. I had started believing that what I saw in the mirror had become who I was. WRONG again.
I had just faint memories of an energetic woman who loved the gym, who loved training and was super inspired to achieve her goals, and now even though there are some weak areas in the body due to many contributing factors she loved challenging herself, seemed a distant memory. Pictures and events on Facebook kept popping up to remind me of these great achievements and they started making me feel even worse about myself. I tried to look at them as motivation, but I just felt defeated. I know you cannot compare yourself to how things were 10 years ago… time changes and things in life happen.
My headspace has been taken over by becoming a mum. One of the most amazing experiences ever and it is like I shut down many other parts of my brain to use it for mum responsibilities (even trying to speak some days was a very hard task) and this brain shut down, I think is totally acceptable!! This little person arrives and I was functioning on little to no sleep and trying to feed this little person every couple hours, which took a couple hours and that was my day pretty much for three months. So in that space of course I had lost my fitness mojo, replaced it with multi-tasking between sleeping, feeding, burping (the baby mostly) and staring at this amazing little mini-me (or in my case mini-drew, spitting image of my husband). Yes, I had lost my fitness mojo, but fuck me it is worth it every time I look at Maddison. I am still amazed that at 42 years young I became a mum. I became responsible for a little mini-person and I had started accepting in a positive way that I was softer and wobblier than before I had her and that this was normal, this is ok. And you know what? It was ok, now it is time to get out of first and into second gear and start getting back into the swing of things fitness wise. No more excuses (the “I had a baby” excuse is 7months old). I had those first few crazy months to get my head around having a baby (still getting my head around it….). My body is still going through some pretty crazy changes (thanks hormones) and I honestly never thought I would find my fitness mojo again, until this morning.
After joining the gym two months ago, I had only been a handful of times and didn’t really feel the pump. I was struggling with finding ME time. Time for me to have away from home, work, family and concentrate on just ME. I felt guilty. I felt lost and torn. I know making time for myself is healthy and should be a priority, but I was struggling and felt flat, lethargic and useless.
The light has finally switched on people and I feel the fire in my belly (not like heartburn when pregnant, a real excited desire to achieve)! The desire to push myself has returned, the desire to rebuild this body, bit by bit, to strengthen the areas that have weakened or become tighter than ever before has returned. Things are going to be different and it is going to take some time to rebuild this new model, now , What shall I call her??
4 July 2017
After having nearly 8 months off work I went back yesterday to a great role in the city. I did so with mixed feelings - guilt, sadness and excitement.
I felt sooo guilty leaving my little Maddie after spending everyday with her since she was born - technically we haven't been apart for 16 months if you count womb time haha!! Lots of tears the last few days everytime I look at her and give her bottles to her. So happy that hubby/Dad is on paternity leave and they are having a great time together.... going to take some time to get used to leaving the house all day. 5am bottles and 530pm shower and bottles are the goal for me everyday.
Sad that I don't get to see her for all the hours in the day that I used too..... no singing play school everyday or having random moments and cuddles - that face!!! Love that face, her eyes just look at you and it is the best feeling in the world - she makes my heart beat so loud and proud to be her mum.
Excitement to be able to return to work and learn a new role in a new company with great culture and people. Wearing makeup and big girl clothes instead of trackies!! Catching the train and listening to music or reading having some me time feels good. Lunching with friends in the city and enjoying hot coffee and sitting down to eat breakfasts and lunches.
Still early days and have a long way to go on this transition from sahm to working mum. I know I will find a good balance and spend quality time with Maddie when I can.