26 January 2016

Brave today.....

Sometimes being brave isn’t really being brave but actually pretending you are ok. I thought I was being brave this week and turns out I was holding it all in.

Pretending to be ok and knowing that deep down I was an emotional mess.   As a wise friend told me the other night over Japanese food the baby angels are “part of me now, you will always be a part of their memory” he said it in a much better way but it is true, they are part of my life, our life and memory, and some days are going to be tougher than others.  I thought if I didn’t consciously see or think of all the babies or pregnant women everywhere around me I would be ok.  Today I am feeling so very empty.

We have had a few friends/colleagues recently celebrate pregnancy milestones and newborn cute little babies and I just feel that I have nothing to share or say, I just smile and say “congratulations” but it feels so fake, I can feel my fake face. It is so hard as I feel like my voice just wants to hide (and those who know me KNOW I have a voice)! I am happy for them on some level and I know some have had a hard journey too to be parents.

I know life continues on after loss and I know I am every so very grateful for everything I have in my life, but today I just feel a little lost and unsure.  I have seen so many cute sets of baby feet hanging out of prams or baby holders and I just smile and then wonder if that will be me one day. 

Thinking about my little angels today and hope they are somewhere on a cloud happy and know that I love and miss them. Would of been 12 weeks today with angel No3 #BG

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