Ever since we lost our baby in February I have definitely had some ups and downs.
I feel that writing and sharing my thoughts with readers not only helps me release emotions, but from the PMs that I have received (which has totally made me feel warm & fuzzy) I know that it helps others in many different ways. I have had people share tough stories with me and revealing that not many people know about, which is truly heartwarming. We all have dealt with loss at some stage in our lives and a loss is always hard to deal with.
So lately some days I am great, peachy and know that we do have some time to try again for another baby. But there are days when life just kicks you in the fucking pants you know. You know what, that is ok. It is ok to have those days because that means you are human, you feel things. I feel the loss so much and sometimes feel empty. Somedays I feel lucky to have gotten pregnant at all when so many cannot.
I had joined a few pregnancy apps and rolled them up to my gmail account to read and thought I had deleted them all. I hadn't and received a huggies article about being 18 weeks, 4 days. I instantly wanted to delete this reminder, but my curious nature wanted to read. It explained what was happening at this stage in the pregnancy and I thought - we will go through this stage next time. Power of positive thought, with tears in my eyes.
Instead of blocking the emotions attached to this loss I am letting them flow when they happen - it is a part of life and how I am dealing with things and I don't want to just brush the emotions off.
Having talked to my counsellor about dealing with triggers, I really have found this helps me decide how I will deal with any situation/trigger that arises. I will never really know when triggers will pop up but know I have a choice on how I react to the situation/trigger. Powerful stuff and I wish that everyone who struggles with emotions or depressive thoughts can really tap into the choice mechanism.
A couple triggers this week have been:
* seeing many a pregnant woman - I smiled and thought "that will be me one-day" as opposed to feeling sad & resentment (strong words I know) -it is like when you buy a new car, luggage or shoes and you just see them everywhere when you hadn't really noticed before!
* the article subscription telling me how my body & baby would of been reacting this week - read it and had positive thoughts with a little sad moment but moved on ok.
* a reminder in my calendar to make our 20 week scan appointment this week- bam!! I was not prepared for this at all. In my organised ways I had put dates in the calendar for appts - anyone who knows me, knows I can be super organised. This hit me hard. 20 week scan was alwas the great milestone after 12 weeks was reached. It was a scan that showed a bigger baby and made sure there were no abnormalities and maybe depending on positioning, the sex of the baby. This as a time that I was excited to share with Drew, to see our creation. I had completely forgotten about my calendar entries. It is ok. I had a sad moment, a good cry, chat to Drew & then felt better for the release.
* friends babyshower this weekend is a very exciting event and i am excited for them both and cannot wait to share their exicting time ahead with baby (and being Aunty Dons) - I honestly just have to get mentally ready for the day of baby chit chat and know that I might find it a little
tough, but will be ok and have a very lovely afternoon with great friends.
This week has been emotional one after a health scare with my dad (all ok thank god) and makes you stop to appreciate the great people in your life right this minute and to make the most of now. A friend miscarried and is struggling in a very abusive relationship and I just hope and pray that she talks to someone outside her friend network and gets the right help and advice she needs, because she deserves to be happy and loved. Another friend was hurt by someone she had trusted her heart with and is going to come out stronger and determined to love herself, put herself first and be proud of herself for standing up to this person.
We all deserve happiness 😆 and it has to come from within also, life will always throw curve balls. I am dealing well with them at the moment and know that like the ocean I will just flow around any obstacles that arise in the future and move on.