18 March 2015

Our little poppyseed......

This blog was a great inspiration for me to publish my post. The words really sum up how I have been feeling the last month or so, so thank you @catmarytomlinson thank you so much!
March 2015 - We started the New Year with the exciting news that we were pregnant.  I found out on the 6th January (my pop's birthday) and it truly was the most amazing news ever.  Drew and I were so excited to learn we were going to have a child together, we were so happy and totally freaking out at the same time.  Unfortunately for us the pregnancy wasn't successful and we lost our baby in February 2015.  This is a post that I have written to get my thoughts and emotions out of my head, heart and somewhere I can read back and reflect. 
My body, my mind and heart are at odds. My heart is holding on to our baby that we both loved instantly, my mind is on overdrive wondering why us, what if, but my body has already forgotten the life it held for only a short time. I constantly tell myself that getting pregnant again won't bring back the baby we lost nor replace those first few moments after you find out you are pregnant, the joy, the smiles, the tears, fear and excitement.  You know that it is still early days but you start talking about due dates, names, should we find out if our baby is a boy or a girl?! You pinch yourself, are we really pregnant and going to have a mini person to love & cherish?!
The changes your body starts to go through and the smile that appears on your face when walking down the street and you suddenly remember you are going to be a mum, that this little person is going to need you and he or she is growing inside you. You start to feel twinges and hope they are normal growing twinges. You already feel so much love and it consumes your  thoughts.
You start worrying about what food to eat, gosh I will miss wine, sashimi and soft cheese,  poached eggs & worry about eating undercooked chicken. There are so many baby apps which tells you every little change that is happening in your body and how your baby is growing and you wonder how this can all happen inside YOUR body,  you have always been careful to not get pregnant and missing your period was a stressful time. ... now it meant happy & changing times. Every morning your phone tells you what to expect this week with the pregnancy and how your baby is growing inside you.  That baby is the size of a blueberry...it has only been a few weeks but feels like forever. You plan the 12 week date to tell people even though you were so super excited you had told a few friends and family already.
Excited for the first scan to show exactly how far along you are........a date scan.  You drink so much water that you need to pee so bad and them pressing on your tummy doesn't help. .. but you think "I don't care I am about to see our baby". So excited,  nervous and then confused when the sonographer asks you to empty your bladder so she can do an internal as she cannot see anything. Part of you is happy to pee, the other half is scared shitless. The internal shows nothing either. It could  be too early they say, you could be earlier than first worked out. You think this definitely is the answer, it has to be.  I walk out of there scared and feeling sick.

Then things change. Scans, dates and blood work don't match. You feel sick & nervous as in the back of your mind since you found out you were expecting you hoped that you would make it to the safe 12 weeks stage, 12 weeks really is a LONG time. You know the stats for first pregnancy ending in miscarriage and you pray that you won't be that 1 in 4.
Our GP was away and I had to make another appt with a new doctor at our clinic.  Meeting a new doctor I find quite daunting normally, let alone when things are up in the air with your first pregnancy,  at 40. The new doc, Dr Fiona, is from Belfast, her familar accent eases your mind and you can be yourself and voice your concerns. The only thing is she also has the same concerns. Things don't add up. Scans should be showing more and the hormone levels are high and doubling. She is confused and strangely I take comfort knowing I am in great hands even if things do go pear shaped.
Lovely Dr Fiona makes me an appointment at the Sydney Ultrasound clinic for women. It won't be cheap she says and medicare only cover a small part. I felt like I just wanted to know if this pregnancy was progressing asap. I found it hard to deal with the fact this might not be our chance to have a baby and it scared me. I have never been this vulnerable and out of control with my body and mind. Why?
The excruciating wait again with a full bladder was harder this time. My gut was telling me that the news wouldn't be good. Was i just scared and preparing for the worst news only to come out with good news and pictures of our little poppyseed? I remember thinking we must be having a girl and she is putting us through hell already. I wondered why I told Drew I could do this appt on my own. There was no superwoman, tough Donna cape in sight. Fuck.
This time I was in much better hands than the bulk billed place I had been a week prior. As she put the cold gel on my tummy part of me thought "here we go, time to see our little poppyseed" even though I knew somehow something was not right. She scanned and then stopped and said she needed to do an internal to see what was really happening. This time I wasn't even excited to be able to pee, the walk down the hall to the bathroom wasn't that far but felt like it took me forever, like I did not ever want to go back into that room.
Turns out our little poppyseed didn't progress past 6wks 4 days. I should of been 9wks 4 days. There was no heartbeat. No foetal pole just a small little yolk blob of what tried to become our child. Even though our baby never properly formed I still feel like we lost our poppyseed. I wondered if at any point I should of known in those 6 weeks, then realised I would of had no idea at all.
I had what they call a missed miscarriage. My blood work showed hcg levels still high and not dropping and my body held on until I realised, like me,  my body is stubborn. After a long four hours at the Royal Hospital for Women - I discussed options with a lovely young doctor who booked me in for a d&c the following week, just in case my stubborn-assed body decided to not miscarry naturally, which of course it didn't. I had a couple of nurses excitedly say "oh you are around 10 weeks", to which I would just sit/lay there waiting for them to read the rest of the records and realise I was here to see how my miscarriage was progressing.  They were pretty quiet once they realised & the tone of their voice changed, felt like the biggest slap in the face ever. Finally had a lovely lady sonographer who talked me through everything & showed me what was happening, for me it was just what I needed, I wanted to know exactly what was what. It truly was the most emotional experience ever. So many happy posters about the hospital for you and your new baby, would you like a cd to show friends and family your baby scan, not to mention all the gorgeous pregnant women strolling around getting scans or the newborn cry you would often  hear in the distance. It truly broke my heart, I felt a tiny small part of me shrivel up and die. I felt hollow, numb and not sure how I should be reacting when I see these beautiful signs of new life that normally bring me so much joy.
The d&c procedure for me was closure of the previous three/four weeks emotional turmoil waiting for my body to realise that the pregnancy wasn't progressing. Everyday wondering did they make a mistake or will I miscarry today was truly the hardest for me to deal with.  A long day at the hospital but I felt it help me heal and I knew now I would be able to move on.
There are obviously the normal positives going though my head, we are lucky we CAN get pregnant, it is very common to miscarry for your first, better to happen now and not later (could not even start to fathom a later loss) that I so very much understand, but for me there is such a feeling of loss that just cannot be put into works. Like something was taken away from me that I hadn't had a chance to fully understand but was so emotionally attached & so committed my love to already. My emotions have been all over the shop, up, down, angry, sad & am just so grateful that I have such amazing family and friends who have helped me more than they will ever know.  Hormones are truly a bitch aren't they, one day you are fine and then next day bam waterworks city or a lettuce that falls out of the fridge is thrown hard and far.  I won't lie and say it has been the easiest time dealing with this at all and knowing that it is ok to let emotions run their course. 
I have learnt so much from myself, Drew (has been the most amazing, supportive husband ever and knowing how to let me just ride out the moods and when to help me by making me laugh, cry and just knowing when I need a hug and a kiss with no words, truly my best friend in the entire world), my friends (even those I haven't seen for a while), myself for letting me be and not trying to control everything, the fabulous nurses, online forums for when a strangers post makes you feel good  & I really do believe things happen for a reason. I also know that we are grieving and will take time to heal and will never forget the feeling of finding out we were pregnant, the reactions from Drew and family being so happy for us it made us all cry. I cannot wait to hear those words again soon "you are pregnant" and we will definitely keep a it a secret and under wraps for the first two months!  I hope soon to share happy news - until then Tiggy gets to remain the spoilt only child (fur baby), for now.



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